Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
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[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.