The 1st to apologize is the bravest. The 1st to forgive, the strongest. The 1st to forget, the happiest.nnThe first to kill the other, WINS.
Tug on my ponytail if you want to know what karate feels like.
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me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
wife [whispers] Josh
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again