@duplicitron

Tug on my ponytail if you want to know what karate feels like.

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@Ms_Moneypenny_

The 1st to apologize is the bravest. The 1st to forgive, the strongest. The 1st to forget, the happiest.nnThe first to kill the other, WINS.

@DanMentos

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

@Gupton68

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

@MelvinofYork

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

@PatsATweetin

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

@BlindChow

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

@axelrad_

just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father

@iwearaonesie

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again