*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
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ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
LMAO.
6. me as a lawyer
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.