@Mom_Overboard

*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…

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@burnie

My roomba just went into the corner and knocked over the broom that was leaning there. Dude, chill out. You already got the job.

@ericsshadow

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did

@NikiWithIssues

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

@DurtMcHurtt

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

@Momtoteens

If gyms paid pretty girls to just sit and clap in the weight section, I bet they could charge anything they want for a membership.

@dumbbeezie

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

@harambevan

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

@rablivingstone

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

@OctopusCaveman

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

@SardonicTart

Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography