Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@thepaulahunt

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

@TheTweetOfGod

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

@seanyeatts

My parents just googled me and now they’re crying

@DrakeGatsby

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

@McJesse

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

@perilous_sin

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use Real dinosaurs..

@hansmollman

Biden: How do I throw everyone off the White House Netflix account? I’ll be damned if Trump is gonna mess up my suggested list

@Mr_Kapowski

If your name is David and you have a son, you should definitely name him Harley so he can introduce himself as Harley, David’s son

@DrakeGatsby

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this

@InternetHippo

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano