My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
You Might Also Like
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
M: another pen
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
It was awkward to see the “World’s Greatest Driver” bumper sticker on my car when it got pulled out of the lake today.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
you never gotta worry about me cheating on you… i might eat something that was yours but thats about it
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.