Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
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After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.