“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
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The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
My parents just googled me and now they’re crying
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use Real dinosaurs..
Biden: How do I throw everyone off the White House Netflix account? I’ll be damned if Trump is gonna mess up my suggested list
If your name is David and you have a son, you should definitely name him Harley so he can introduce himself as Harley, David’s son
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano