Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

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My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.


Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this


It was awkward to see the “World’s Greatest Driver” bumper sticker on my car when it got pulled out of the lake today.


HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable


Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.


you never gotta worry about me cheating on you… i might eat something that was yours but thats about it


When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…


Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.


Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.


I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.