Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
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If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
“I FIXED IT!”
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
🤣🤣🤣
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs