*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
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EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I’m awake but I object,
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.