@notmythirdrodeo

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

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@david8hughes

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

@YourAnMoron

Me “I love you.”
My 3yo “Thanks.”

And just like that, 4 years of High School memories came flooding back.

@PrettyInCamo11

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

@MyPornKhan

When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.

@BoscoPorter

Cashier: “Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of shit?”

@awkwardphilippe

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

@murrman5

what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*

@mattZillaaaa

*wakes up from 2 year coma surrounded by friends & family

Where’s my phone?

@sammyrhodes

Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.

@JensenClan88

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.