Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
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Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)