So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
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Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Meeting people from the Internet is a great way to either get murdered or have sex. Either way it sounds great.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Why did I laugh so hard tho ? 😂😂
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before