Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.

You Might Also Like


Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.


Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.


Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101


me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente


Meeting people from the Internet is a great way to either get murdered or have sex. Either way it sounds great.


[first date]

date: i’m an optimist

me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before