inventing words: clothing
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Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Bringing home a sharpie
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills