If cats could talk, they’d probably yell “PARKOUR” a lot.
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
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I wish cops cared about me wearing a condom as much as they care about me wearing a seat belt.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Me on the Phone: I’m going to “work” from home today.
My Boss: I heard those air quotes.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
I wish it were okay for a guy to carry a purse because there is only so much banana bread that I can fit in my wallet.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace