@Bunnydurden

Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.

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@ImKevinito

I wish cops cared about me wearing a condom as much as they care about me wearing a seat belt.

@primawesome

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

@Gupton68

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

@AnOrangeSNES

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

@Gooooats

Me on the Phone: I’m going to “work” from home today.
My Boss: I heard those air quotes.

@dril

THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree

@ohpegah

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

@Beerhaze

I wish it were okay for a guy to carry a purse because there is only so much banana bread that I can fit in my wallet.

@hardlyrelevant

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace