TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
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[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
starting a garage orchestra
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Every time my phone rings
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?