Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
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A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
DOOO EEEET
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist