*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
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Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
finally
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?