Turkey bacon is a lot like normal bacon except that IT’S NOT AND IT NEEDS TO GO BACK TO HELL, WHERE IT CAME FROM.

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8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.


ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris


My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.


Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.


Banned an 80 year old man for life from attending NBA games. What’s that? Like maybe 10 years?


“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy


I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.


My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.


The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.