@Sourcoast

Turkey bacon is a lot like normal bacon except that IT’S NOT AND IT NEEDS TO GO BACK TO HELL, WHERE IT CAME FROM.

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@mommajessiec

8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.

@fro_vo

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris

@JustMeTurtle

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

@XplodingUnicorn

Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.

@shawnspree

Banned an 80 year old man for life from attending NBA games. What’s that? Like maybe 10 years?

@UncleDuke1969

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

@causticbob

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

@JohnLyonTweets

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.

@1970RobD

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

#1PUN