turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
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If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Easy enough.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
The Birdles
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf