Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Me: *jazz hands*
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.
Must be a safety in numbers thing.
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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Saw a guy steal a car using a hanger so I did what any normal person would do, walked up to him & asked “You that guy from Grand Theft Auto?
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.