@SteveKoehler22

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

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@theshantilly

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

@wildethingy

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

@kamweru_

Saw a guy steal a car using a hanger so I did what any normal person would do, walked up to him & asked “You that guy from Grand Theft Auto?

@naughtywriter2

At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”

@SJSchauer

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

@MNateShyamalan

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

@NervousJr

People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.

@unmehlievable

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.