Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

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Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.


Me: *jazz hands*


Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.


Saw a guy steal a car using a hanger so I did what any normal person would do, walked up to him & asked “You that guy from Grand Theft Auto?


At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”


Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic


me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok


People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.


Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.