100 million years ago there were no creationists.
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Next time you hand someone a roll of toilet paper under the stall, hold their hand for a while. Let them know it’s gonna be okay.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst.
Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
I stubbed my toe on the foot of the bed and found out I know 5 different languages.