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Next time you hand someone a roll of toilet paper under the stall, hold their hand for a while. Let them know it’s gonna be okay.


Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.


Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst.

Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.


I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.


me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol


me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes


My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.


[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.


I stubbed my toe on the foot of the bed and found out I know 5 different languages.