*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
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Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”