Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
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We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Coffee for people with no kids
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
SPLOOT
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
ok like just. call me at this point