Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
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Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
This squirrel eats better than I do
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after