• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

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But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”


16: Can you hand me one of those food prong things?

Me: A fork??

16: Yes. Do not tweet this.


If white people know how to say Daenerys Targaryen, they can learn to pronounce your name correctly.


I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.


A shopping mall. Drake walks past a man dressed as Santa, who yells out, “Ho! Ho! Ho!”

“Yeah,” Drake sighs as he keeps walking. “She was.”


Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.


Next time my cat has some friends over, I’m going to puke right next to where they are sitting and see how she likes it.


I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.


Dog HQ

Dog leader: the catpocalypse has begun
Dog 1: destroy the fluffies
Dog 2: we’ll take ’em down
007: meow. I mean, right on


My pot never calls the kettle ‘black’ because I don’t buy talking marijuana