@bobvulfov

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

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@QwertyJones3

But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”

@SaltyCorpse

16: Can you hand me one of those food prong things?

Me: A fork??

16: Yes. Do not tweet this.

@kirkobainz

If white people know how to say Daenerys Targaryen, they can learn to pronounce your name correctly.

@DurtMcHurtt

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

@ThingsDrakeDo

A shopping mall. Drake walks past a man dressed as Santa, who yells out, “Ho! Ho! Ho!”

“Yeah,” Drake sighs as he keeps walking. “She was.”

@junejuly12

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

@SadieSmithRoks

Next time my cat has some friends over, I’m going to puke right next to where they are sitting and see how she likes it.

@AbbyHasIssues

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

@QueenofSparta

Dog HQ

Dog leader: the catpocalypse has begun
Dog 1: destroy the fluffies
Dog 2: we’ll take ’em down
007: meow. I mean, right on

@mojo_bones_

My pot never calls the kettle ‘black’ because I don’t buy talking marijuana