“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
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I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.