Turn ons include impeccable spelling, proper use of grammar, affinity for board games, love of superheroes, and a huge…


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Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*


Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”


My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.


One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches


if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas


Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.