Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
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I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
oh u like history? name everything that happened
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.