date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
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doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I constantly google “how to put your kids up for adoption” so my kids can find it on my search history and know that I’m not messing around.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
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Kids are fun to be around. Then they start kicking, screaming, drooling, crying, fighting and then you’re just grateful they’re not yours.