“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
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king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”