“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

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date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss


doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news

me: better than having fox news 😉

doctor: hahahaha 🙂

me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂

doctor: haha give or take


I constantly google “how to put your kids up for adoption” so my kids can find it on my search history and know that I’m not messing around.


I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?


[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”


My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?


me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!


Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you


Kids are fun to be around. Then they start kicking, screaming, drooling, crying, fighting and then you’re just grateful they’re not yours.