Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
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[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
fired
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!