Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
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Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*