Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
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Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.