Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

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[God creating teenagers]

What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?


Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good


[Walks into steam room at gym]
“good morning my..”
“Dave no!”
“my est..”
“Please Dave no..”
“..My eSTEAMed colleagues”
“Everyone hates you”


Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.


men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner


I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.


You can’t control what people say or do. The only thing you can control is how much accelerant to use.


I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.


Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.


*Knocks down spider web*

Spider: Rude

*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*

Spider: Unbelievable