@skellyfish

turning my gender off to conserve energy

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@mrjohndarby

therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am

@iamspacegirl

Ghost me would do the same stuff as alive me.
Howl. Wander. Stand in front of the fridge and stare at all the food I’m not allowed to eat.

@moose_chocolate

I routinely take 8 flights of stairs for no other reason than to avoid idle chit chat in the elevator.

See, hating people can be healthy!

@dafloydsta

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

@wonggloong

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

@Browtweaten

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

@Jake_Vig

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

@DonQuickoats

If I had a piranha pond I might ask you to come over and take a close look at the lilypads

@bombsydoll

guy I just met: ‘it’s nice to meet you’
me: ‘I’m tired of your lies’