turning my gender off to conserve energy
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Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
New mindset, who dis?
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
O Wise One….
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.