therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
turning my gender off to conserve energy
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Ghost me would do the same stuff as alive me.
Howl. Wander. Stand in front of the fridge and stare at all the food I’m not allowed to eat.
I routinely take 8 flights of stairs for no other reason than to avoid idle chit chat in the elevator.
See, hating people can be healthy!
#tbt that time i killed a bug and traumatized a child.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
If I had a piranha pond I might ask you to come over and take a close look at the lilypads
guy I just met: ‘it’s nice to meet you’
me: ‘I’m tired of your lies’