*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
You Might Also Like
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.