Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
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First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Tell the colonel to bring it
Follow me for more recipes
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White