*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
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I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
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As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
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Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I saw nothing
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I checked.
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Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
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God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*