what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
*turns around in chair dramatically*
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
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Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Dont kill anyone in a jealous rage.
Calm down and plan that shit first.
Does your wife know you’re single?
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.