*turns around in chair dramatically*
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
…, Repair-Man.

You Might Also Like


what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings


Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.


[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?


*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!


I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck


Dont kill anyone in a jealous rage.

Calm down and plan that shit first.


My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .


My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.


Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.