*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
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Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Gemma Correll
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.