If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
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when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*