Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

Me: why are you not drinking your milk?

3: it’s too cow-ey

[first day as doctor]

me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep

patient: how can you tell?

me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”

That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.

Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”

Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”

Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry