*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

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People that say “The worst kind of cut is a paper cut” probably haven’t been stabbed in the face before.


I just sighed so hard, I won’t have to dust for 6 months.


I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!


Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.


That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow…