@DaddyJew

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

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@ryangriffiths

People that say “The worst kind of cut is a paper cut” probably haven’t been stabbed in the face before.

@Vodkantots

I just sighed so hard, I won’t have to dust for 6 months.

@VodkaShorebird

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

@TheTonyHowell

Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.

@BourbonLuv

That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow…