*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

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The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow


My cashier at the grocery store bagged the tomatoes with the ketchup and I swear I could hear them screaming.


a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”


I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.


Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?


Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.


Don’t ever leave a bag of mini Heath bars at your desk to prove you can’t be tempted….

Because Satan’s game is strong


[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh


After 50 years of failed embargoes and isolation the US is about to unleash its most obnoxious weapon on Cuba to date…the American tourist.