*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*
Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
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For them dirty farmers.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Relationship status: binoculars
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
“You look nice.”
“DO I EVEN MAKE YOU HAPPY?!?”
“Mom told me not to date a goat.”
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.