@squirrel74wkgn

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

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@ZackBornstein

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

@Lisa_Laughs_

Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.

@1_dingle

[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread

@ArfMeasures

HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

@Sickayduh

“Nice place!”

Mmmehh

“Hungry?”

Mmmehh

“You look nice.”

Mmmehh

“DO I EVEN MAKE YOU HAPPY?!?”

Mmmehh

“Mom told me not to date a goat.”

@TwoSapphiresBlu

Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.