*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
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Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.