@tweetsvisual
What I texted:
No one like you.What I meant to text:
No one likes you.
@JohnLyonTweets
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
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@tweetsvisual
@Tmoney68
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
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Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
@cravin4
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
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Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
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I don’t discriminate among size guys.
Personally my favorite is 3 inches and goes by the name visa, mc, or amex.
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5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
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Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
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I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.