@JohnLyonTweets

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

You Might Also Like

@tweetsvisual

What I texted:
No one like you.

What I meant to text:
No one likes you.

@Tmoney68

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

@cravin4

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

@junejuly12

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

@jnrbtsn

I don’t discriminate among size guys.

Personally my favorite is 3 inches and goes by the name visa, mc, or amex.

@KyleMcDowell86

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

@AmishPornStar1

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

@HoldinCoffeeld

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.