Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
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Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
For anyone who needs this today
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
New Tinder profile.