*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
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they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
They did not miss in the small print
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.