@TheIronSherk

*turns on deep-fryer*

*tosses in chicken nuggets*

*adds chamomile and lavender*

*recites from the Book of Shadows*

Voila, Wiccan Nuggets

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@Sickayduh

Son: Sire, I wish to change my name
King: Why, Prince Stephen?
Son: Because you call me “Prince S”
King: Haha yeah that never gets old

@AdamTheLobster

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

@FredTaming

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

@kelkulus

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

@JohnLyonTweets

“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.

@squirrel74wkgn

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

@eddiesteadyno

at library

ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!

LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?

BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”

@humanaaron

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

@johnnyw1981

As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won’t think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.