Son: Sire, I wish to change my name
King: Why, Prince Stephen?
Son: Because you call me “Prince S”
King: Haha yeah that never gets old
*turns on deep-fryer*
*tosses in chicken nuggets*
*adds chamomile and lavender*
*recites from the Book of Shadows*
Voila, Wiccan Nuggets
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“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won’t think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.