Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
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how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no