My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
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[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!