*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
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freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first