Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.

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2006: *spends more on ringtones than the total cost of my phone*

2019: if my phone rings at all I will literally throw it away


Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks


*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house


Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.


Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?


Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778




Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.


KIDNAPPER: Get in the van
ME: Oh no thanks I’m vegetarian
KIDNAPPER: Oh okay sorry *drives away*
{15min later}
KIDNAPPER: Wait a minute, wtf