Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
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By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
🖤✌🏽
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Inside you there are two wolves
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.