Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
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GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays