The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
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if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle