So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
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*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.