On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
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Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
A leaf blower, but for people.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Happy Thanksgiving
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”