Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
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wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I just love that new Pope smell.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.