@orny_xo

Turns out Chlamydia is much easier to get than it is to spell.

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@OakHill_

Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.

Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.

Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?

Date: I’m sorry… what?

Me: Worse rooster shear?

Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!

@gianni_bcn

If you think you are having a bad day just remenber the guy on the Titanic who falls off the ship and hits the propellor on the way down.

@lemmywinkler

My 13 year old daughter just lit a cigarette at the kitchen table. I’ve never been more furious! And in front of her kids too!

@liv_thatsme

Just locked eyes with a spider, but instead of killing him, I ran away & hid so he can spend the whole night stressing about where I am.

@goodthyngs

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

@DavidAdt1

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

@jonnysun

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”

@KeetPotato

[lookin in bushes for our baby]
me: where the hell can he be?
dog: roof roof roof
me: will you shut up
[baby waves at the dog from the roof]

@jazmasta

My walk of shame is every time I leave a girl’s house after watching “How I Met Your Mother” with her.