Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
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FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.