[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
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To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.