@marcia_bee

Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be.
Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit?
Serious inquiries only.

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@Ideal_Victoria

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

@iRowlf

I’d like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful.
“Sir, those are Band-Aids.”
Oh, I’d like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.

@pleatedjeans

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

@RandiLawson

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

@JTQuest

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

@jonnysun

even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults

@MaybePileJokes

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

@shanethevein

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

@KateWhineHall

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.