Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
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if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now