Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
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Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.