Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
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Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
that colleague who touches your screen
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.