Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
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Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
☺️
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
look at me when i’m typing to you
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.